I do not care about your opinion!

     I had an old friend over last night and I was determined to not fall back into the people pleaser I used to be. Actually, that came up in conversation. I said that people, including her, used to talk to me like I was stupid and that I would no longer tolerate that.

    From this meeting, this blog post was born. I want to give my thoughts on How I am versus how I used to be. I used to care so much what people thought of me. So much that I can't say I even knew who I was. Let me put this in a letter format addressed to my past friends (and so-called family).

Dear Past,

        As I sit in this room in a shared house with four strangers that don't consider me the way I have considered them (noise and fair use related), cooking in this room and washing up in my en-suite sink, wearing headphones all the time so I don't hear their pretty much constant noise, working a job for very little just because I can't currently afford a car and lonely as fuck, I am left wondering why I cared so much about your opinion. Where did that get me? I'll tell you. It got me back to the beginning but with the wisdom that comes with realising some of life's deeper lessons.

    Your opinions do not pay my bills. Your opinions are not paying off the debt that I ended up with through a relationship I feel I had no escape from (but thankfully I did. Your opinions are not getting me the life I really want. So tell me, why should I continue to give a shit about your opinion? Stop giving me advice, you are not living the life I want. Stop talking to me like you're an expert on anything that is not you because you are not an expert, you just have knowledge that I may or may not have. Do not assume I don't have it.

    Not giving a flying fuck about your opinion does not mean I cannot enjoy your company, but I now have boundries that will not budge. I will not bend to create space in my life for you and I would not expect that of you. If it feels difficult without the feeling of forward motion then I am out. I won't make a song and dance about it, I will just let god handle it.

                                                                Thank you for your time xxxx

    Now I turn to you, the reader. Are you letting others walk all over you? If the answer is yes then I need to tell you that you're the one letting them. Once this is realised then you gain the power to change things. If you are stuck blaming them then you are just making your life harder. This doesn't take away their responsibility but rather, it gives you a quick way to change this. Once you start changing, and yes, you do need to change, you will soon start to see change in the outside world. It is ok to tell someone you don't like how they speak to you or treat you but if you continue to let it happen then it will continue to happen. Ever heard the phrase "action speaks louder than words"?

    The best way to implement change within oneself is to start off small, the smaller the better,  and just keep making those teeny tiny little changes to yourself. These seemingly pointless little changes will compound and the transformation of your persona will get faster and faster and the change in the outside world will do the same. Don't expect instant results, in fact, I recommend taking as little notice of the outside world as you can (this gets easier over time). The more you focus on the unwanted to more unwanted happens. This I have witnessed in my own life. Contemplation from time to time is fine, but dwelling is not going to bring about positive results.

    I will leave it there and wish you well on your journey through life. Just remember you have far more control than you have been lead to believe but the trick is figuring out what you have control over. here's the secret... its you.

Where is our species heading?

     I live in a shared house and on Friday a new housemate moved in. Sadly another really young person but I didn't want to judge too soon. She seems pleasant enough, quite chirpy and full of life which may help the energy of the house, but, last night she got on two bandwagons that really show a person's low level of intelligence and lived experience. These are "I studied..." (meaning they actually paid for the privilege of not having to make the decision on what books to read rather than actual study) and misusing the word "gender" which seemingly is the done thing now.

    Let me start with gender. Gender is masculine and feminine. It is unfortunate that they are similar to male and female as they do not mean these. This brings me on to men and women (it doesn't mean these either) which has become open for debate. When a pregnancy has passed a certain stage we can know the sex of a child which is known as a girl or a boy, not male or female. Girl once passed the age which takes you into adulthood (different in various countries) becomes a woman and the same goes for boys becoming men. This has always been known as sex. Now, back to gender. Everything in existence has both masculine and feminine aspects in equal quantities because things like emotions are feminine and thinking is masculine. Everything we do is a balance of the two.

    I think the thing that really makes me weep for my own species is that so many people need that confrontation and cannot grasp that we are part of the animal kingdom. What should also be known is that if we should die out (which we will because of this idiotic drive towards absurdity and disruption of the natural order) it will have no negative consequences on the rest of the natural world, actually, it would be positive give how we have been treating it.

    I do not live as a perfect being, I do things that cause harm, but I try to hold space for those who think differently. What gets to me is when I am not shown the same respect. I am a factual person and the only times I give my feelings is when I state that they are my feelings.

    We should aslo understand that the spoken/written language is made up sounds that we have attached meanings to. Many words have different meanings based on culture and even family dynamics.

    We are heading for dark times and quite possibly the end of our existence since we can just understand the basics of procreation. If this is discovered by the next species, probably machine based, please know that we weren't all stupid morons. Best of luck xx

Consistency and discipline are great habits, if you have them!

     Consistency has never been my strong point. Discipline either. That is why I have got nowhere in my life and I am not living the life of my dreams. This is what I am working on, these basic yet vital characteristics.

    On the 14th of February (Ash Wednesday, and Valentine's Day) I gave up chocolate of all kinds, not even the sprinkles on a cappuccino, and all fizzy drinks for lent. It's now day 28 and I haven't caved. The only mishap was tasting a Bakewell blondie that someone made at work and I tasted the tiniest amount. I had completely forgotten that a blondie was the white chocolate equivalent of a brownie, but that is all and I am not that bothered by white chocolate anyway since Cadbury stopped making Dream bars.

    My plan is to try a Mars bar when it's over and really concentrate on whether I truly love it or if it is just a habit. I suspect it is just a habit. I will allow myself good quality dark chocolate as I do like it and it has a lot of health benefits. I will also have the odd hot chocolate, I miss those at work.

    The fizzy drink is a tough one. The main problem is the energy drinks. They taste so damn gooooood! This I will have to play by ear and really keep it to one day of the week or something like that.

    My next "go without" challenge will be coffee. Not because of the coffee but because of the habit of adding two sugars to coffee and tea. This was set in place from childhood because my parents did. The plan is to not have tea or coffee (tea is not a problem, I rarely drink it as it is) for about six weeks and then try again but without sugar. I know I can have flat whites in certain coffee shops without sugar so I am going to buy what they use and see if I can make this normal. I need to cut down on the amount of added sugar I have been consuming.

    I have also downloaded the Couch to 5K running app and joined the Facebook group. I was doing really well a few years ago on my own but being part of a community is definitely a great feeling.

    I also make a promise to you all to be consistent with this blog. I started it because I love writing and need an outlet but it is not ok to be inconsistent. I need to work out a schedule as I am also working on another business. I am not in love with working for somebody else, I want all the benefit of my hard work and at the moment I am only getting a fraction of it in the form of wages. Time for money. Hardly a great plan for a great life!!

See you next time xx

The Self-Help Trap

     When I had my awakening I felt manic and aware of everything. I felt the true nature of love which is not what we feel for another person but something we are. What we feel for another person is an emotional bond and this is necessary for our survival but it is not actual love. If you cannot say you love everyone and everything then you are not sitting in love.

    From here I started researching spirituality and the world of self-help. From the mystical to the scientific I took it all in. I jumped from one technique to another bouncing from one guru to the next. This is what many refer to as the "self-help trap".

    Looking back over the last few years I see that it was my mind being overwhelmed with how much I hated my life and how badly I felt about all the time I had wasted listening to others. I couldn't believe I had allowed all those people to take advantage of my good nature; how dare they treat me like that!

    I slowly realised that it was me that allowed the treatment and it was up to me to make shifts within myself in order to experience shifts in how people treat me. How could I expect anyone to respect me if I didn't respect myself?? On deeper inspection, I learnt that a vast majority of people put themselves last on the "deserve respect" list.

    I have spent a lot of money on books and spent even more time watching videos promising to change my life. It has taken me a long time to realise nothing anyone else does is going to make any difference to how I live. Minus a few books most only help the author by making them richer through your desperate state. Atomic Habits by James Clear is one book that stands out as actually a great investment and I highly recommend getting that book. Habits are what create our day-to-day life so if those aren't good then neither is your life.

    My mindset around money was never very good and that is due to the family I grew up in. I had the programming of "people like us" which subconsciously put a barrier between myself and pretty much all earning potential beyond just enough to pay the bills. Instead of working on this, I focused on the advice to just be grateful and deep-diving into the abyss of toxic positivity. While being grateful for what we have and having a more positive mind is a good thing it is important to realise that those supposed negative emotions are ok too; we have them for a reason.

    This is all to advise you to think before spending your time and/or money on method after method after method. I now stick with science that makes sense to me, like neuroscience. Affirmations work when repeated to program the subconscious, and I think they are worth doing, but not alone. Action must be taken at some point, no matter how small. If you want to start a business then you do actually have to make a decision and go for it. I am not saying miraculous things don't happen because they have happened to me numerous times, but it is dangerous to rely solely on these.

Take care everyone and I will see you tomorrow.

Oops, I did it again!

    I had another dentist appointment today so I went into town. I had planned on getting a coffee afterward at The Cornish Bakery and nipping through to Hobbycraft to price up the basic tools and materials to set up a business making things. I did all of that and far too much more that I am now feeling sick and, if I am to be completely open (which is the point of this blog), I feel angry that I spent on unnecessary things. I am happy with what I purchased but I still didn't need any of it.

    I got a new nail polish (Essie 77 chinchilly), eyeliner (NYX vivid rich in truffle diamond), and a loose powder (Rimmel match perfection in 001 transparent). I was looking for a powder but the other two things were not on the list but it was 3 for 2. Yes, they got me. Superdrug got me!

    I also got an Airwick Essential Mist in the fragrance Pumpkin Spice. How could I not? I love pumpkin taste, smell, and aesthetics. I tasted Starbucks Pumpkin Spiced Latte for the first time in October last year on its 20th anniversary. I am a fan. I am now one of those (you know what I mean).

    To be fair to myself I had been angry since 4am when I discovered one of my housemates (I know who) left their washing in the washing machine and when I opened the door it stunk to high heaven of something along the lines of engine oil. Once my clothes were washed they had a faint whiff. I can fix that but I shouldn't have to. Then I had to remove his stuff from the dryer too. This is not a one-off, this is quite regular. This is on top of the garage being full of his stuff and him leaving his crap wherever he feels like it. I sent the letting agent an email this morning. She said she'll send a general message to the house and she is going to keep an eye on the situation. I have tried to sort this myself but I am ignored so...!

But going back to the overspending I need to sit with why I have these times. I have got so much better but every now and again I have a massive slip-up. I say massive but it's not as bad as I make it sound, but it definitely is something I need to control. If it is not on my list or in my budget then I have no business buying it. I have my priority which is getting the debt sorted alongside modest savings.

We live and learn from our mishaps so this is just to reinforce my discipline. My level is quite low right now but I can and will build on it. That is my promise to myself and to you. Little by little I am getting better.

It is OK to start again indefinitely

     I have started again more times than I thought I ever would. This fresh start is nowhere near as big as my previous ones but it is still significant. Let me give a little background on where things started to change up until today.

    My mum passed away in December 2015 and shortly after I split from my partner of twelve years. I had a mental break down which continued long after I thought I had recovered. I got my own flat which was the first time I had lived on my own, which was both exciting and scary. The week I swore myself off men, believing my mother was right all along, I met a man who I used to go to school with. Things moved quickly and he felt like home.

    He was accused of a crime and I believed him so we decided to move to Norfolk, near to where his mum lived. We set up home and I soon discovered that he did in fact commit that crime against his ex-girlfriend. He did worse to me but to keep this blog suitable for younger eyes I will leave that part there.

    He learnt my weaknesses and used them against me, like not showing weakness (ironically) which meant that I couldn't admit to my family that I had made a mistake and I needed help. I took out credit in my name as he had a bad credit score, apparently due to his ex (I now know differently), which very quickly turned into debt. He stole from me, lied to me, gaslit me, as well as the physical that shall not be mentioned other than to say he never once hit me because I would have recognised what that was.

    We split at the end of 2020 technically but stayed living together for almost a year to help us both out financially. Once he found someone else he was gone. He paid half of the monthly payments sporadically but even that stopped just because I decided I couldn't continue trying to be friends. He kept asking me inappropriate questions and wondering why I was angry. Of course, he was doing this on purpose, but he knew how to trigger me and I ended up losing my cool every damn time. Worth mentioning that he knew I was perimenopausal.

    I have moved since we last spoke and he, as far as I am aware, doesn't know where I live. If he ever shows up I will not hesitate to call the police. Even though I haven't been in any kind of contact I am still looking over my shoulder.

    So, present day. I am still £12,466.62p in debt because of my decision to stick it out. I have been paying it off through a charity and recently doubled my payment. I would love to just get it paid off but I also need to build my life. I have no friends left from before and I have been too scared to try to make any here in Norfolk because anytime I mentioned a person I would get the third degree in different ways depending on if they were male or female.

    I do not have a car anymore due to someone driving into me and the insurance deemed my little car a write-off. I decided to try without a car, which was costing me in excess of £3,000 a year, and find a job that I could walk or cycle to. I found that job but it is not a good hourly rate, I am feeling like the universe is working against me but I am choosing to have faith that my hard work and determination will pay off.

    As well as working on paying the bill for my greatest life lesson I have been working on the aftermath of that relationship as well as the things further back in my past; events my mind had hidden from me. I want to find a great man who is willing to put in the effort that I do for a romantic relationship. I have made a list of the important attributes of him because I will not settle for less than I now know I deserve.

    I am also learning skills and being brave by entering to world of self-employment (alongside my job for now) because I know I do not want to be working for someone else for the rest of my working life. This will also mean I can be a housewife and still earn money for the household. Yes, I want to take care of the home and my husband and I don't care who thinks I am foolish and old-fashioned, if it works for us then that's all that matters. I've just got to meet this man first. He's out there, somewhere.

    So this is my brief description of where I am and how I got here. Now the fresh start begins (again) and I mean business... literally!